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Love My Wife But Want Divorce
“I don’t think I’ll be here anymore,” he said, picking up the keys. That was 2008. The sky was cloudy and gray, the air cool and dry.
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He was still close enough to hear his thoughts. She was going to ask for a divorce.
“Your mom is great,” she agreed. He found his keys and walked to his car. I followed.
“Yes, I’m really starting to feel better now,” I told him. “It’s me. The sky is blue. I can hear the birds chirping. I can think. Those thoughts we talked about are gone.
I had been sick for so many years. Getting well again was my only priority. I really didn’t know how to respond.
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“We need to get a divorce,” he said. “Thank your parents for their hospitality, but we need to get a divorce.”
We had been separated for over a year, but the idea of divorce always seemed so false. I’m not sure any of us have ever said the word out loud.
He started his electric Nissan SUV, so I helped him get it. “The answer to your health insurance,” he said. “It’s expensive. I have other things to do with that money.”
He closed the car door and turned on the ignition. “Say,” I said, “I told him through the window. “My business is doing well. The doctor said: I’ll probably start looking for work first.
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He knew that what I was telling him was that he couldn’t do the treatment without my permission. I couldn’t work for more than a year.
The disease bores me, it bores me. But what he hated most about me was spending money. I hated it most of all.
“That’s not my concern anymore,” he said. His car left the space and snaked around the corner. She’s gone.
Kadee, our boxer, ran over to see what was going on. She watched us from the front door. She came to his leg and I stood next to her. The dog was very good.
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In 2005, I had my first experience with what is officially called a “Major Depressive Episode.” 30. My wife and I were with a guest at Thanksgiving and he hit me.
I would be fine for a moment. Then severe clinical depression. I took medication at the beginning of this year. My marriage is improving now.
My recovery angered my wife, who felt threatened by it and refused to let go of the past.
A year later, on another Thanksgiving, and still suffering from a depressive episode, we returned to our newly acquired house for water. He hired a guy who was in recovery to install a water line above our kitchen so we could have a working ice machine. Remove the office and kitchen roof from any water damage.
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During the fall of 2007, still suffering from severe depression and barely able to work, the school where I worked sent me home. I slept in my office. They thought I was using drugs again. They told me not to come without forgiveness.
“I can’t have such sad students around,” the teacher told me. “It looks like you’re going to go out on the field with a gun and start shooting people.”
I spent Thanksgiving fighting panic attacks and trying not to think that my life was over. My parents told me not to overreact. Everything would work out.
The next 12 months were worse. My sadness consumed me. I couldn’t work. I could not sleep. I couldn’t think.
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We have been separated since October 2008. I moved with my parents to Santo Agostinho. A room in St. He returned to Petersburg.
The week Obama was elected – November 4, 2008 – I was in a psychiatric hospital. About a year ago, I started having a very serious and fatal ideation, and I could go an entire day without stabbing myself in the head.
But in November 2008, my parents finally found out and sent me to a psychiatric hospital and had me checked out. At this point, my parents were left alone in my life.
When a person is depressed, it’s not exactly like people stay aligned with them.
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When you’re dealing with severe depression, the only good thing is knowing who your friends are.
I learned that I don’t have real friends. I really learned to give a shit about what no one gave. No one lifted a finger. Except Kadee, my dog. The kids were fans. He was a friend.
And I don’t like that he cured me by staying in the hospital. My life did not return what it destroyed. He wasn’t paying me for my house, which was harassed by the mortgage lender. He didn’t return my friends. He wasn’t fixing my money. And he certainly didn’t fix my marriage.
I spent a week in psychological agony. A few weeks later, a strange wife from St. Petersburg on Thanksgiving and filed for divorce from me.
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My wife and I brought Kadee home from the Humane Society after our wedding in August 2000. She was just a puppy. In 2008, when my wife filed for divorce, Kadee was dying of liver failure, which I didn’t know at the time.
Because I couldn’t work without traveling first, so the illness appeared without me knowing. Among all the other things that happened at the time, my depression killed my dog.
Two weeks after my wife left me, I woke up to find Kadee hiding in my room. He stood back and wrapped his clothes around him. Dogs apparently do this when they know they are going to die.
A moment before he had wet the floor and there was blood on it, and he was incredibly embarrassed to see that he had stained the floor.
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Driving to the veterinary hospital, Kadee was lying on a blanket, whimpering softly. I remember the police officer walking past the main office, propping himself up on his elbows and running inside with him. He saw me withdraw the staff and they were ready for me.
He, however, very politely let go of the one I was holding in my arms. There was a light in his eyes and then it disappeared.
I didn’t shed a single tear when I had severe depression. Not once did I cry when I lost my life, my home or my wife filed for divorce. But losing Kadee was too much. She was born. He was a very good dog.
I would like to say that I learned something important from all of this. I would like to say that I now have a big secret. I would like to say that I learned some great skills to combat depression. I would like to tell you that I have found chi in my gratitude charts and journals and in my writings.
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Even the fatal idea I wanted to tell you is gone. In fact, never. I would like to tell you that my ex-wife made a huge mistake and came crawling back. No.
I wish I could have saved my life. I did not do it. I never worked at school again.
If I were to offer some cheap solution to the horrors of severe depression, I would be insulting millions of people who suffer in silence. If I told you some “tricks” I learned to stop the endless stream of destructive thoughts, I would be mocking the 47,000 Americans who die by their own hands every year.
The truth is, I don’t know why I live. I am certainly not worthy of being myself. Just because I am. And that’s all that matters to me right now.
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Randy Withers, LCMHC is a certified clinical mental health counselor licensed by Practical Counseling and Wellness Solutions, LLC in North Carolina. He has a master’s degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Lenoir-Rhyne
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